The Middle Child Speaks

Is there an instance in your life when you wished you were born and raised in another family? Or you had this wishful thinking that you were not a real daughter of your parents but a lost princess in a faraway castle?

Sounds fairytale-like huh?

But for some reasons, I wished I was not my parents' daughter. Yes, you may call me 'ingrata' or whatever you like but that's how I felt or sometimes feel towards my parents. It's just that, I don't know why I couldn't feel their concern for me. Is it because we're too many in the family (we're eight, including our adopted sibling) that's why it's hard for them to divide their attention equally?

I used to envy my eldest brother and sister. Actually, until now I envy them. But they are unaware of it because they feel the same way towards me. I know. I am aware. I can feel it.Maybe because our dad gives whatever I want. As in. Like for example laptop or money to buy this worth of a thousand book. But these things I used to ask from my dad are not wants. These are necessities. And I think my dad give these things to me because I've always been 'straight' in school, meaning I don't cut classes, I maintain high grades and even included in the achievers' list, I don't have any vices.But these are invisible to my kuya and ate. They just think that I am our dad's favorite. Maybe. Because I tried to be a good daughter even I am stubborn at times. Or most of the times.

But I envy them. My kuya is our mom's favorite. I don't know maybe because he got the privilege of being the first-born. I actually think that our kuya is the 'bunso' in the family. Why? Well, until now that he has his own family, he still is dependent on our parents-- the house, their food, their water and electricity bills, even their internet access, I suppose were all being spoon-fed to him. I never saw him worked. Sometimes I can't help not to compare myself to him. I have worked hard ('though I am jobless now that I resigned); I applied for jobs. How come he has so much while I don't have any? Maybe the only thing I have more than my kuya is pride-- pride that whatever I eat now, or we eat now, is from our own. And if ever I finished my MFA, I can say that I haven't asked a single cent from my parents.

On the other hand, my ate is more responsible. I can say that for me, she is like our 'panganay'. Although they stay within the vicinity or our parents (because they occupy the rest house) still, she and her husband work for their son and for their other needs. But I can't help not to envy her. Since we were young and until now even when she gave birth, she is the beauty queen, the muse, the goddess in the family. Back then, I am always taken for granted because of her. My mom always buys her nice things-- beautiful clothes, nice bags, and trendy shoes. And me? Well, she buys me food for consolation. She used to say that she didn't buy me anything because she didn't know what I like. Well for me thats bullshit. Is there anyone who let you out in this stupid world who didn't know what her child likes? It would be nice of her if she just have told me she didn't see anything that would fit me. Or anything that would look nice for me because I am fat and ugly. Well, my mom made me feel as such. Thanks to her, I never saw anything beautiful in my body. I remember my mom not attending any PTA meetings. But she never missed the pageants my sister joined. She always boasts that during her younger years, she looked like my ate.

I don't blame my parents for growing up like I am now--unconfident and full of insecurities. That's what they wanted me to inherit from them. Not money. Nor their guidance. And who am I to refuse? I am JUST a product of the union of their egg and sperm cells.