Pity Party

My friend and I were chatting last night. She always tell me to stop worrying, to stop pitying at myself. Eventhough there's computer between us, it's not difficult for her to know that I am undergoing a serious problem. You'll ask me, is there a problem that isn't serious?! Yes I know, all problems are serious and mine is deadly serious!

We've been friends since college. And she's worrying because she knows me too well. She knows my 'sayad' side and she's pretty aware that I've been sort of a Sylvia Plath before. I told her not to worry about me because I'm trying myself to be optimistic. Although I admit, there were still times that I'm thinking what if I'll just take the easy way out? What if I'll create my own ending now? Sometimes I think what if I'll just do it and my family will just discover my body and beside me were my unpublished works? Hahaha!

But I know, it wouldn't make a difference. I'm not a coward. Yes, I'm trying to convince myself. I have many regrets in my life and I don't want to make another one. A while ago, I was writing my close-reading on my classmate's poem. The poem is about time. The passing of time. If only I could just adjust my watch and bring back the moments which I want to change, maybe I've done it already. I pity myself for being unhappy. Some people say happiness is only a state of mind. I don't think so. It's not for me. They say happiness is a choice. That's another bullshit. What if something terrible happened to you, let's say your dog died, can you choose to be happy? Can you force yourself to be happy if something is missing inside you?

If only I could bring back the times, maybe I'll cut classes. I'll smoke 'til morning, get myself drunk 'til dawn. I'll throw dirty finger to those bitches and bastards in the university. Hahaha, it has always been my dream to do that. Sometimes I do it to my hubby and he'll have the best laugh of his life! He says, 'abnoy' to me. I also want to spit my phlegm at streets where there are many people around. I just want to feel 'normal'. I just want to get rid out of this unwanted feeling. Maybe doing stupid things will help. Well, I think...perhaps?